Shutter Priority

Archive for December, 2009

Time for that deep winter voodoo winter solstice essay… There is something to it. The soul sleeps but the ancient voices awaken and trouble our dreams. They cast spooky shadows on our waking hours. Change and chaos seep through the cracks of the carefully smoothed masonry of our waking existence. I love this time. I don’t give a rat’s patootie for “Christmas” and “New Year’s.” What’s going on here is deeper than that. It is something primordial that would fit better in a Lovecraft novel than in a Sunday School lesson. “Christmas” is too polluted with the world’s goods to take seriously. “New Year’s” is too rational and flat. I can’t really get behind either, although I do the Christmas rituals gladly. I like to play Santa Claus, give gifts and indulge in special feasts… when I can afford them… when there are people around to do them with. I have been on both edges of that sword so I never buy anything earlier than a couple of days before the date.

What I feel this time of year has little to do with jolly old elves, reindeer, or babies dumped in feed troughs. I feel the planets and stars, the darkness and the cold, the deep currents in my own psyche that bubble up to the surface when the rest of the world is distracted. Those are the things I feel. I do the Christmas thing because that is my culture, but I feel something else, something ancient.

I stand in the dark and smoke. I let the cold rain fall on my face. These moments are full of power and they restore me.

To pass this time without feeling it is a crime. To live this life without touching the ancient horrors is falsehood. I could never do either, and in that way I am very fortunate. I feel it and touch it; I dream the dreams and awaken shaken. I drink the morning’s coffee wondering if I can ever sleep again, but I do.